I have to keep reminding myself that we are NOT there yet. One can have a hearbeat one day, and NOT have one the next day, particularly if one is an 8-week-old embryo.
I find myself having dreams about baby names ("Sierra???") and accidentally figuring out the logistics ("After the baby is born...")
Therein lies DANGEROUS thinking. It is so perilous to go down those roads, because you have to walk BACK UP them once you find out that the baby has died, and you will be lying there in the surgical center thinking, "No, this child will not need a name," and "Are we ever going to conceive a normal baby?"
Yes, if you go down those fun roads of thought, anticipating a real baby at the end of a pregnancy, you have to walk BACK UPHILL and it's a horrible trudge. It's lonely and shitty and I don't want to do it again.
So every time I see myself blithely start down a path of excitement or anticipation, I yank myself back up. No! Do NOT be happy about this pregnancy, because the last baby died at 8w3d or thereabouts, and we aren't even past that point yet!
Today, if the baby is still alive, it's 8 weeks. So Saturday is "D-Day," kind of -- the anniversary of it's sister's death.
The doctor said that sometimes a baby who is going to die in utero will still have a heartbeat for awhile, but it will stop growing once it begins to die. It's kind of like patients on life support, I guess. Once you unplug all of the machines, the heart can keep beating for a good long time. It's just in the habit, I guess.
So even if we have a heartbeat, the trick is to see growth too. You've got to see that kid getting bigger and bigger, or else it's time to prepare yourself for its demise. So the heartbeat isn't my major concern anymore -- once we see it, we then have to measure the embryo and make sure it GREW. And if it doesn't, well, then it's just the wait for it to die, or to hope for a miracle? Ugh, pathetic. I don't want that to happen.
Can we fast-forward time, please, and tell me what happens on the other end?
