I found out I was pregnant yesterday, or rather, I am pregnant as of this moment. This is one of he most nervewracking experiences of my life.
In my calmer moments, I'm thinking of this time as a seven week course in patience and fortitude. I'm learning that I don't have control of this situation, and if I can just make it to twelve weeks with a normal pregnancy, I will have passed the course.
In my less calm moments, I think, "AAAH! My body is out of my control! Am I bleeding? Am I bleeding? Am I bleeding? What was that? Was that a cramp? That was definitely a cramp. Am I bleeding with cramps? Is this the end? Will all of my pregnancies end in miscarriage? What's wrong with me? "
I worry that I have too much energy. I don't really feel nauseated or tired or any of the symptoms I experienced with my pregnancy with Chebbles at this point, I think? No wait, I remember bragging at the outset that I didn't feel nauseated with her, which I paid for (in SPADES) later. But one thing that distinguished my June miscarriage was that I never felt pregnant, never felt exhausted, and, in fact, had a strange burst of energy.
So yesterday, when I was horsing around with Chebbles, she was shrieking with laughter and we were having this nice moment in the backyard when I stopped, and seized up with paralyzed worry... Oh Christ, I thought, I am not acting pregnant right now.
My pregnancy with Chebbles and my December pregnancy (the second miscarriage, with the D&C at 10.5 weeks) were notable by how awful they made me feel. They both ruined separate Christmasses because I was so wrought with barfing, nausea and exhaustion. My house turned into a junk pit and I was attached to the sofa the entire time. During my December pregnancy, I spent the whole time begging people to take my child elsewhere so I could marinate in the awful pregnancy in peace.
I had a terrible time grocery shopping during those pregnancies -- the grocery store devolved into a panoply of disgusting odors. Even shopping ONLINE grossed me out -- just the suggestion of all of those various foods skeeved me to the core.
But I'm OK so far with this pregnancy, which is yet another things to worry about.
I try to be happy about the pregnancy, and I am. We tried for six months to get pregnant, and I was worried that we wouldn't even have a pregnancy to lose this time around. So we are pregnant, and it feels good so far -- I feel like there really is a child on his way to us. But it also feels terrifying from moment to moment. If I lose this one, I turn into a three-time loser, and I will be even more bitter and bereft.
Stick around, kid. Stay in there, grow strong and hearty and join your sister, who is now rolling around in her crib, waiting to be joined in her merriment. You're going to like her, too. I want to meet you, baby, stay put, be healthy, and don't you dare come out until you're fully baked.
